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friend getting it on. I understood this anxiety better now.
I know Suzie. Luke turned onto her side to face me, smiling
indulgently, as she often did when I was rambling. What about her?
Suzie says our culture defines love too rigidly. She says she and
I have a romantic friendship. We re passionate about one another but
it s platonic. I was trying to figure out what she d say about you and
me.
That we re hot together and we should make the most of it,
Luke suggested.
I grinned. What about the rules? No involvement with other band
members.
They ll have to cope. She moved across the bed and leaned over
me, her bright hazel eyes roaming my face. You know what I d like&
I d like to be your lover. The only one.
I felt like a goldfish, my mouth opening and closing as I circled
back and forth around her words.
Last night& for me. It was kind of unexpected, she said. Not
the sex I decided a while ago that we were going there.
You did? News to me.
I was waiting for you to get beyond Layla, she said in a matter-
of-fact way.
Was I beyond Layla? I called to mind, as I often did, that moment
in her arms when I felt blissfully at home. An odd sadness engulfed
me. It seemed so long ago that it almost felt unreal, like a long-held
wish that only briefly came true. All I had was the memory. The wish
had lost its power. I had moved on. I realized that whatever might have
been between me and Layla had passed us by. I had not met her amidst
depravity and loud music that should have told me something. But
Luke, on the other hand&
You might have given me a clue, I said.
" 190 "
CHANCE
I wanted to be your friend first. I was trying something
different.
I blushed. The thought that Luke had me in her crosshairs all this
time made me giddy.
In the past, most of my relationships have started with sex and
ended with tears, she said with mild irony. They say if you want a
different outcome you can t keep doing the same thing. So& here we
are.
I tucked my hand into hers. Do you think it s okay that we re not
in love?
I ve stopped thinking love comes prepackaged, she said. The
thing is, I can see myself falling in love with you and I d like to let it
happen.
I d never thought about love that way. I thought it just happened and
there was no way to control it. You certainly couldn t make it happen;
I knew that much from trying to be in love with women who were nice
to me. But that wasn t what Luke was suggesting. I understood exactly
what she meant.
I think, if I let myself, I would be in love with you too. I found my
way into her arms. I have to tell you& last night was a good start.
She grinned and I ran my fingers over the defined planes and
curves of her face. I hadn t noticed before how finely shaped her mouth
was, broad and firmly etched with a slight cleft in the lower lip. The
tiny smile lines at each corner hinted at her dry sense of humor. She had
a strong chin and jaw that balanced her high cheekbones. I suspected
these were another legacy from her grandmother.
In the early morning sunlight, her eyes were light amber with flecks
of jade. The lashes were dark and dead straight. She had an interesting
face, a face I would want to sculpt if I knew how.
Do we have to go to work? I murmured.
She traced a finger over my lips and down to the cleft she d left
sore just hours earlier. I guess we could show up late.
I grinned and stretched languidly in her arms. So, make me
stay.
v
" 191 "
Grace Lennox
Once the buzz died down after the Grammy nomination, Mr.
Goldman hired a new publicist for us. He said we needed to keep the
momentum going right up to the awards ceremony. Tiggy Marshall
was a Machiavellian mistress of the music industry celeb factory just
what we needed if we were going to bag the award and move to the
next level.
Tiggy was maybe fifty, but surgically youthed down to forty, and
drank her Ketel One martinis extra dry and dirty with two olives. She
wore black everything and a pair of Clark Kent glasses with black
plastic frames. Her mouth was bee stung from regular collagen and
very dark crimson to match her nails, which were surprisingly short for
a woman who had made an art form of muckraking. These days, Tiggy
was hired to stage-manage the very same people she d once character-
assassinated in the tabloids. Now her specialty was turning publicity-
seekers without talent, class, or noble virtues into front page news in
People and Us.
I was not sure whether we should be insulted or flattered that Mr.
Goldman had hired this big gun to take charge of our image.
Let s face it, ladies, Tiggy announced in a high-pitched nasal
twang that made me want to take drugs. If fuck knows how many
flacks could do it for Paris Hilton, I can do it for you.
But none of us has that revolving man-door thing going on,
Luke said after a contemplative puff on her cigar. I could hardly look
at her and sit straight. I wanted her relentlessly. I felt like someone in
a cult, programmed to emit copious quantities of fluid every time my
girlfriend spoke.
Tiggy responded with an intensity of concentration that made
her lips compress, but did not budge her Botoxed brow by one iota.
Okay her small, round blue eyes swept us hands up, the girls
into girls.
Luke and I lifted a paw each, acknowledging the lesbo mindset
but refraining from looking at one another in case we inadvertently
advertised our passion. Normally we kept a lid on things by making
out in bathrooms, dressing rooms, green rooms, and hotel rooms all
over the country when we thought no one would notice us missing at
the same time.
It depends. Peaches toyed with her pink extensions. She was an
indecisive type of person, and this extended to her love life. She said
she didn t know if she was really bisexual she couldn t make up her
" 192 "
CHANCE
mind about that.
From now on you are all heterosexual but hip, Tiggy instructed.
Which means you can be lesbian-friendly, you can even do girl-on-
girl so long as you describe it to journalists as fun experimentation. But
publicly, men are your arm candy.
Well, I asked Billie Joe Armstrong, Peaches interjected with
saccharine irony, but he s, like& married with kids.
Siren, also a Billie Joe admirer and now single, said, Have you
seen his wife?
Gorgeous, Peaches griped. And it sounds like it s true love.
Can you believe it? All that, and happy too. She heaved a resigned
sigh and placed her hand on Tiggy s knee. I guess it ll just have to be
you and me, Ms. Marshall.
Tiggy laughed like a hyena and relocated the hand back onto
Peaches s lap. I ve compiled a list of available male rockers and
actors, she informed us. If anyone has a personal preference, I ll take
that on board, otherwise I ll just go ahead and set up opportunities.
I felt extremely dull-witted. Opportunities for what?
Photographs. She slowed down a little and, as if addressing the
special class, pasted on a patronizing smile and instructed, Each of
you will appear at events and venues where the target male is present.
You will be introduced to him. Smile big like he s your boyfriend. Get
his arm around you. Most males do it instinctively. I want you up close
and personal. A kiss on the cheek works. We need the suggestion of
intimacy.
Oh, Christ, Luke said.
But won t these males be surprised? I pictured a startled movie
star wondering why I was acting like his lover.
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