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fucking hard to keep my voice even and steady but I had to be calm and professional because
cursing the local Army garrison to hell and back wouldn t get anything done. There was a
pause. I waited, listening to the secretary scribble everything down.
Bernice bit her lip.
I ll make sure the Prime Minister gets this, Dr Wright. Someone will be in touch with
you soon. I promise.
Thank you. I put the phone down and wanted to cry.
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Michael?
We just have to wait. I covered my face with my hands. Paul should ve been back.
We should ve been looking forward to rogering each other senseless all night.
Shall I fetch you a cup of tea& something?
I don t think I could keep anything down. I want to throw up.
I ll get you a cup anyway, just in case.
Yeah, sure. I managed to drag a smile from somewhere. Thanks.
I waited until Bernice s footsteps faded down the corridor and hid my face in my hands
once more. I couldn t help remembering and wanting him. I didn t want to believe that he
was gone. He couldn t be. I loved him.
I didn t even notice when Bernice returned. She set the mug on the desk. There was a
rustle of papers as she cleared a space and sat facing me. I looked at her.
This is about more than the boss going missing, isn t it? Her voice was gentle.
You don t miss much, do you? I needed to tell someone. Bernice knew me better than
most.
No. She put her hand on my shoulder. Come on, you know me. The two hottest men
here, both gay doesn t take much to work out what happens next.
Has anyone else figured it out?
One or two, but I wouldn t worry about it. No one really minds.
My eyes burnt. They don t?
A happy boss makes for happy staff. Hell, Michael, the man was as miserable as all
get-out for two years. I used to dread being summoned to this office because I didn t know
what crap he was going to throw at me. That man is scary when he s angry.
I would ve given anything for Paul to be there, angry or otherwise. I can imagine.
It s all right. They ll find him. Bernice squeezed my shoulder.
I ll go out and look for him myself if I have to.
No you bloody won t. You have to stay here. He wouldn t want you risking your life
and leaving this place. Her voice was suddenly fierce. You ll have to wait it out with the
rest of us. Paul put you in charge for a reason.
Shit. I hate it when you re right. I couldn t sit and wait. I didn t want rumours flying
around the station. Do me a favour. I need everyone in the conference room. I know we
haven t got much to tell them but they need to know what s happened. Some other person
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sprang to life inside me, someone cold and practical. I want them there in an hour.
Hopefully, by then, we ll know more.
That s more like it. Bernice gave me a wobbly smile. That s why he loves you. She
stood up.
I stared at her. He does?
He d be a fool not to. With that, she disappeared, her footsteps hurrying along the
corridor.
I remained stuck in Paul s chair and wondered how the hell I was going to manage.
When the phone rang I nearly jumped out of my skin. I was almost afraid to pick it up.
Hello?
I don t know what you did, son, but I ve just had the CO at the Odiham garrison on
the phone, cursing me every which way. Anderson s voice was full of humour. It seems
he s had a rocket up his arse from Downing Street. It looks like you re getting your search
party.
Relief and hope flared inside me. Really?
Yeah, really. That is one angry man.
Good.
Anderson chuckled. I ve told them to contact you directly when they ve got news. I m
signing off for the night.
Thanks for letting me know.
I ve told the night shift manager to phone you if we hear anything.
Thanks. I owe you one.
Another chuckle. Nah. I m just glad that arsehole at Odiham got his arse kicked. That
made my day. Let s just hope they find my pilot and your boss.
My throat constricted. Yeah.
Good luck, mate. The line went dead. I closed my eyes, covered my face and prayed.
* * * *
I stood at the front of the crowded conference room. Bernice had managed to round up
everyone except for the handful left to watch the monitors and answer the phones. They all
looked expectantly at me when I leaned on the table and took a deep breath.
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All I could do was tell them what I knew that Paul s helicopter had gone down and
that the Army would be sending out a search party.
All we can do is wait. Those of you who are so inclined can throw in a prayer, too. I
tried to keep my voice steady
For a moment, Paul was there, standing at my shoulder.
Keep calm. I ll be home soon. I promise.
Dr Clarkson wouldn t want us to use this as an excuse to slack off. He certainly
wouldn t want any of us sitting around and worrying about him. Let s just do our jobs and
hope for the best. If anyone has a problem with that, now s the time to let me know.
No one spoke. Bernice gave me a thumbs-up.
Right, let s get back to it. As soon as I hear anything, I ll let you know.
The room emptied swiftly and silently. Bernice patted me on the shoulder. You did a
good job there.
Thanks. I still want to be sick. I couldn t remember the last time I d eaten and I didn t
anticipate eating anything in the near future.
Yeah, I know.
The sympathy and worry in her eyes was almost too much to handle. I looked down at
my hands. What do I do now, Bernice? I feel lost.
All any of us can do is wait. You should try and get some sleep. It won t do any of us
any good if you re half dead and stupid from lack of sleep.
I thought of my room. Paul should ve been there, lying beside me in bed. We should ve
been safe and warm and together. There was so much of him in that space. What if someone
calls with news?
Someone will let you know right away. She nudged me towards the door. Go on.
Even if you just have a lie down. You can t sit and stare at the phone all night.
No, I suppose not.
I left her and went to my quarters. I sat on the bed and looked at the photographs, the
books, the little cat sleeping on my desk. Paul had left a neatly folded pile of clothes on the
chair. He had to come back.
The scent of him was on the pillow. I closed my eyes and held onto it, willing it to
become flesh. I heard his slow, steady breathing as he slept, one hand beneath his chin. I saw
his mouth curled into a smile and wanted to trace the curve of his lips.
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I love you. Come home soon.
He stirred beside me, moved closer. I rested my open hand on his chest and fell asleep
to the beating of his heart beneath my palm.
I knew there was no way I was going to sit in the station waiting for someone else to
find him.
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Chapter Thirteen
Bernice pushed the plate towards me. Come on, Michael, you have to eat something.
I glanced past her to the clock on the canteen wall. I can t. It had been eighteen hours
since the search party had gone out. I d been curtly informed of this fact by the Garrison
Commander at Odiham.
You ll make yourself sick.
I m already sick.
Please& eat.
I looked at the plate a little pile of tomatoes from the garden, some bread and an
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